How to avoid pissing off your dominatrix

Here is an interesting article that popped up on Twitter. It will help you understand from our side of the fence! This is an article that’s US based, but most applies here too.

https://rewire.news/primary-topic/sexuality/

Apr 13, 2018, 5:18pm Andre Shakti

Trust me: You may want your dominatrix to play angry in a session, but you don’t want her to actually be angry.

When the sexual revolution is upon you, you want to be on the side of the leather-clad women holding the whips and chain

Sex work is one of the few labor industries where your skill and experience are not commensurate with receiving increased respect or regard. I’ve been a ho for 11 years now, and that fact still trips me up.

One of my many professions is as a dominatrix. Within that line of work, I offer physical and psychological sadomasochistic domination services, none of which involve overt sexual acts (and all of which are legal within the cities I operate). Even so, I’m still dealing with the same impolite, fickle, exhaustingly juvenile behavior from potential clientele as I was back in 2016…and 2014…and 2012. Don’t get me wrong, the majority of my clients are exceptional human beings whom I adore spending time with. But the bullshit meter still runs high on any given day, and trust me: You may want your dominatrix to play angry in a session, but you don’t want her to actually be angry.

Pro dommes are sexual superheroines with abilities à la Liam Neeson’s “very particular set of skills,” coupled with a whole lot of pent up aggression around how we’re treated by society. So do yourself a favor, well-intentioned reader, and let this list act as a manual for what not to do to your friendly neighborhood dominatrix. When the sexual revolution is upon you, you want to be on the side of the leather-clad women holding the whips and chains.

DON’T waste our time. Our time is precious! Recognize our work as legitimate labor, and understand that we don’t get paid an hourly rate to deal with the many…many…many wankers who contact us never intending on booking a session. For some, the act of simply emailing a dominatrix and admitting one’s desires fulfills a sexual need and acts as fantasy fodder for future wanking sessions (hence, “wankers”)

Other potential clients contact us with every intention of following through, but then experience a scheduling conflict, traumatic life event, or other complication and opt to ghost on us rather than update us with the development. Dommes talk a tough game but bleed red just as much as the average Joe. We can emotionally internalize a client ghosting to indicate something “wrong” with us—that we weren’t pretty enough, thin enough, desirable enough. Don’t be that guy.

DON’T balk when we ask for screening information. Sex workers face disproportionately high levels of physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological violence due to the stigma associated with the work or due to discrimination based on gender, race, or sexual orientation, among other things. Additionally, sex workers can’t depend on law enforcement to take them seriously after instances of assault or robbery, and this means that most violence goes unreported or un-investigated. People intent on harming sex workers are aware of this, and it emboldens them to harm us knowing they’d likely face zero repercussions.

Therefore, every time we meet up with a stranger, we are putting ourselves at risk. We can mitigate that risk by screening our clients ahead of time: asking for your legal name, an internet footprint, and a reference from a domme you’ve seen recently who can vouch for you. We have no desire to “out” you or mess with your life. As such, there’s no bigger red flag than a potential client who refuses to provide us with screening information.

DON’T try to negotiate our hourly rate down. It’s just plain disrespectful! You wouldn’t receive a quote from a doctor, a lawyer, or a therapist and try and negotiate it down, would you? You trust that the quality of service you receive is going to align with the price point you were given, and you make a financial decision based off of that.

Most dommes worth their salt have years of experience investing time, energy, money, and injury honing their craft. Regardless, the hundreds of hours I spent learning to perfectly throw a singletail, safely execute a litany of wrestling moves, and execute pole tricks that’ll make your jaw drop are all seen as me investing in a “hobby,” not a profession, and that shit keeps me up at night.

Plus, dommes aren’t presented with any of the benefits of those who are gainfully employed in a more traditional labor industry. As I’ve written about for Rewire.News, we don’t get health care, dental, paid sick leave, paid vacation time, or paid maternity leave. As a result, our rates don’t only reflect our expertise; they also compensate us for the ways in which we get left behind by society.

Finally, when we meet up in person, here are some good rules of thumb:

Be on time. Dommes pay an hourly rate to rent their dungeon spaces and these in-call schedules are typically tight, with sessions running back-to-back. This means that no matter how late you are, your session will likely have to end at its pre-negotiated time and you’ll still need to pay the full amount. Honestly, being late only hurts the client!

Don’t be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Most professionals I know will refuse to hold a session with someone who has imbibed prior to arriving; others will have pre-negotiated the mild use of certain substances once both individuals are in session. Either way, no matter how desperate you are to calm your nerves before meeting your domme, opt for engaging in another self-care activity that won’t blur the lines of consent, cause your domme to feel unsafe, or make you look like a total amateur.

Present. Your. Money. Up. Front. No exceptions.

Have good hygiene. Regardless of what activities you and your provider are getting up to that day, you should be freshly showered upon arrival OR pre-negotiate your ability to take a shower at the in-call space once you arrive. I’ve heard of many a domme turning away a client because of poor hygiene. Even if she opts to go through with the session, I guarantee that she will be disassociating from you the entire time, and she’ll end up thinking back on the experience with repulsion and dread. Which, you know, aren’t typically sexy feelings.

Don’t insult us by playing “Captain-Save-A-Ho”.

Avoid bringing up your conservative politics. No, we don’t agree with you. No, we can’t relate. No, we really don’t want to expend the energy faking interest in what you’re preaching while actively trying not to kill you with a stiletto to the eye.

Just, I don’t know, be cool! Sex workers are cool people—I promise! We’re authors and artists, dancers and activists, designers and educators. And we’re really invested in both parties having a great time in session. So commit to not making it any harder than it has to be, and you won’t regret it.

TOPICS AND TAGS: Better Sex Ed, Sex